TRUTH IS...

I suck at this

and it is the very thing I need to work on.

SPEAKING MY TRUTH
Being no one but who I am..

(shudder!)

Everything about my upbringing, my Libra personality

my "girl-ness" is about

TACT, SAYING THE RIGHT THING

DOING WHAT IS EXPECTED

BRING A NICE GIRL
CREATING BALANCE

As women we get really good at the

PERSONA

the image of the do it all perfectly-
then we become wives and mothers,
and the whole thing gets jacked up another notch.
Do you bake those chocolate chip cookies for school treats or did you buy them (holy mother fail!)?
Is your house perfectly organized and picked up all the time,
or do you throw stuff in the hall closet to make it look that way(um...yep!)?
Are you a jean snob (yes), a product junkie (uh huh), 
do you make like you have it all together and are hoping desperately that no one finds out your brain feels like that jumble of wires you are hiding underneath your desk (check, check, check).
It takes a lot of work to maintain this girl.
I have spent a lifetime bending and twisting myself into the
pretzel I think other people want me to be.
And...I did it quite willingly,
 because I thought that was how to make other people feel
comfortable.
Start speaking your truth a little, and those same people
become uncomfortable...
(Heck...I'M uncomfortable!!)
they want to know what is wrong with you,
why you don't fall in line with everything they think you should be.
You want to know what is wrong with yourself.
Why does it seem like everyone else has it all worked out and you are the only one who dares to admit that you don't.


It can be unnerving, but also unbelievably freeing...


So 2012, I have decided, is going to be the year I live in truth.
Not an  in-your-face, rebellious kind of truth,
or a righteous I'm-so-evolved kind of truth,
but a humble, low-key, honest,
day-to-day truth.
I imagine I will have to remind myself each morning that this is
where I want to live...in this truthfulness.
Truth be told  :)   
it is easy to sit here and make this resolution today,
but in the middle of February, when we all have 
long since forgotten our lofty new year's promises,
that is when it will count.
Will I approach the day with honesty, integrity and 
practice living in the moment and being as straight-up as possible with myself
and those around me, or will I let it slide and revert back into the people-pleasing and 
living up to the persona, like I have so may times before?
It won't be easy, I am certain.
Frankly...it scares me to death.
I will probably have a few demerits on my Truth Report Card,
but I won't apologize for buying cookies, a messed-up closet, or for not being the person someone else thinks I should be...
but  I am pretty sure it will be worth it.
Someone far greater than I made me this way for a reason.
Gave me the lessons I needed to learn in this lifetime, and gave me the struggles to learn them.
Truth is...the reward comes from learning the lessons
and honoring the authenticity of your soul.




Who's with me?

Take Two Aspirin and Call Me Next Year

(Disclaimer...this was written two weeks ago...there is no holiday, family drama that provoked this blog...just a conversation with my sister awhile ago about people who suck the life out of us)

One of my new favorite terms...

emotional hangover.

OMG, it's really true.

Think about all the times you've had one.

After a big old fashioned bender of a fight...

whether it is a screaming match kind, 

or (my personal non-favorite)

passive-aggressive, inuendo tossing, not-so-sure-what-just-happened

melee...

Sometimes they just make you have to sleep it off  and eat something

really comfy for breakfast.

Some vacuum the life out of you for days.

Make you a little fuzzy around the edges.

First it just sucks.

you head hurts...your heart hurts,

then, as the day wears on, you are just a little bit slow.

A little bit confused...

and thinking...what really happened?

Maybe you were just so intoxicated by the drama of it all,

that you can't quite put your finger on what went down.

you remember who took the first shot, but after

downing shot after shot, it starts to get hazy.

What gets me is the people out there 

I will call them the emotionoholics, thank you

who can keep pouring and  keep partying

binging day after day on the toxic liquor, conditioned so well, 

that they no longer feel the effects of the hangover. 

But the rest of us have to deal with their  drunk debating,

their inhibition-less swaying and swerving, and learn to just get out of the way.

The worst ones, however, are the ones that sneak up on you.

The ones who keep pouring just a little more in your tank when your back is turned,

so you aren't paying attention to how much you are taking in.

It's subtle.

Maybe the bitter liquor is masked with sweetness.

Look out for those...those are the hangovers that really come back to bite you.

(Remembering my mother's advice when I went to college...don't drink the sweet stuff,

it's never sweet coming back up...good advice...saved me many a night )

The ones' that seem all sugary and innocent,

 are really Kamikazi's that will hit you out of nowhere!

I have decided it is really all the same disease, if you haven't figured that out by now :)

Doesn't matter what the "ism" is,

its all the same to me.

I've gotten pretty good at spotting them a mile away.

And I have decided for my own safety and sanity, it is best to regard these drunkards from a comfortable 

distance.

Much like you do that relative at a wedding...

and yes, we all have one.

Wave across the room, smile nicely, and when they start to head your way,

put your cell phone to your ear, look concerned and 

head to the nearest exit.

Besides...they're all ready stumbling.

No need to risk vomit on your shoes.

Life In The Sugar-Free Lane

It's been two weeks since I gave up sugar.

And since many of you have asked me about my decision to 

go sugar-free, I thought I would give you an update.

In two weeks I have had only a minute amount of sugar.

The only sweetener I have had is Stevia in my coffee,

and a 1/2 of a Diet Coke to see how it tasted.

(very sweet).

 Yes me...the mother who stashes the Halloween candy in the 

cupboard above the fridge and lies to my children that I 

threw it away.

Me, who has been busted more times than I want to say, standing at the open refrigerator with the whipped cream can tipped upside

down in my mouth.

Me, whose kids always knew there would be Sour Patch kids in 

the center console of the car.

How am I doing? 

Besides the fact that my husband and children

are rather annoyed at me and make it a point to

remind me EVERY DAY that THEY haven't given up sugar,

I am good.

I won't sugar coat it (ha!)

The first few days were hell. 

Sugar is a poison and is highly addictive, and I was a dime-bag junkie, as was evidenced by the my frantically searching the kitchen for four nights

looking for ANYTHING to satisfy my need for the sweet stuff.

 I was cranky with a capital C.

There was sugar everywhere I wasn't eating it.

I even had a couple of days where I felt sick and run down. I am certain now I was coming off my sugar high.

Trust me...myself and I had many conversations 

in my head. Debating whether it was REALLY necessary to do this.

Now! At Christmas! Was I a sadist? 

Yet, somehow, me, of oh so little willpower,

hung in there.

Today I am not even craving it.  

Sure, the sweet memory of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

still tests me, but it passes.

Amen!!

Now, I have always been a girl who believes wholeheartedly

in the law of moderation.

But after all of the reading I have done, I am learning 

what damage all of the sugar we consume as a nation, is doing.

Sugar, as I said, is a poison.  Too much and you'd go into

a diabetic coma and die.  The body has to produce

insulin to balance out the sugar in our blood.

Sugar is an inflammatory.

Inflammation, researchers are learning, is the leading cause of

diseases such as heart disease, auto immune disorders, hypertension, and cancer.

Cancer tumors feed on sugar to grow.

Gross!

Am I advocating that you all go out and cold-turkey the sugar 

tomorrow? 

No.

I can't even convince my family! 

These are things that people have to come to realize on their own...even my kids.

I could try to shove my sugar free cookies down their throats, 

and make them snack on only fruits and veggies,

but they would rebel.

I remember as a kid we had friends whose parents only had health food in the house, and they would come to ours

(not a junk food house by any means, but we had good, sugar-filled snacks and cereals) 

and they would go crazy on the stuff.

I am not naive enough to think my kids would buy in just because

their mother says its bad!

Let's be real!!

I am, however, trying to be more aware of what all of us put into our bodies on a daily basis.

I am certain I would have gone back to my ever-lovin' sugar ways by now if

I didn't feel so much better..so much clearer.

Stomach bloating (sorry) is gone, and my skin,

 all ready looking fab because of my R and F skin products, is even clearer and brighter!

I have to say, even I, am a little shocked!

Plus, cutting down on inflammatory foods keeps my auto-immune disease in check.

The other, really tremendous thing I have noticed...food tastes better.  I used to have a little coffee with my

Vanilla Caramel Coffeemate

(OMG...have you LOOKED at the ingredients in that stuff? Ish!)

Now, I put a smidge of Stevia and a little half and half

and I LOVE the bold taste of the coffee...a true first.

So maybe consider this...

as a New Year's Resolution...not now!

Surely I would be the most 

hated woman in Ames suggesting you quit sugar 10 days before Christmas!

Cut back on the sugar and see how you feel...way back.

Replace it with Stevia (a plant derivative 3 times as sweet as sugar) or small

amounts of Agave Nectar.  Stay away from the Equal

(that stuff will kill you!) and even the Splenda (not enough testing for my liking yet).

Will I go back to eating sugar again? 

Realistically...probably a little here and there.

Again...I do believe almost everything in moderation is

not bad...but I consider myself a recovering sugar addict,

and I know that one M&M can easily lead to 40.

I'll keep you posted, but in the meantime'I am combing Pinterest

for sugar-free baked goods of all kinds.

Oh yes! One good thing! Wine...because the sugar has turned into alcohol...is okay...in moderation, of course! :)

Sweet!

Junk Food

(No, this isn't about what you think it is)

I heard this amazing analogy yesterday

It was one of those you hear and suddenly you stop in your tracks

(or in my case, on the carpet)

and think 

"Wow...major AHA"

I was listening to a call in radio show and the caller was

wondering why, even though she knew better

she was critical and judgmental sometimes,

and...

that it felt kind of good while she was doing it, but she always felt bad afterwards...

then she said,

"It's kind of like eating junk food"

It was truly one of those lightbulb moments.

I was standing in my living room, knee deep in 

clothing I was tagging for a sample sale, 

and I dropped my pen...literally.

How simple is that.

But how oh-so true.

Apply to just about any personal character flaw and the 

analogy is just too right on.

Judgement, Criticism, Gossip, Righteousness,

Snobbiness, Snottiness, Meanness,

Rudeness...and on and on.

When we take that bite...even though we know we shouldn't,

even though we know it will make us feel terrible later,

and we will be filled with regret,

we just can't help it.  It just tastes soooo good to take a big chomp off that slice of  sarcasm,

We can even pretend like we didn't really know how many calories and fat were in that entire bag of "Meano's" we just

downed, but denial  doesn't negate the calories 

(and the 2 pounds gained)

just like it doesn't negate the heaviness of regret

that comes from feeding our ego

a junk food diet of

bad behavior.

So now the question I know you are all asking...

does eating a healthy diet of 

Kindness, Love, Compassion

and Humility

 mean we can never, ever

have a Hershey's "Diss" here and there?

Sadly, yes.

Unless, of course,  it is a special occasion, 

and the person handing you your meal

serves it up cold and spits on your food.

Then he's fair game.

Eat him up,

and give him his just desserts.

Take a Breath

I have long been fascinated by the

idea that in order to see change in our lives we must be willing to completely come apart.

To abandon our old ways and habits and forge a new path.

Often I paid lip service to the idea that

letting go was the way to move forward and improve

but I never really did it.

I read about and talked about living my truth,

but never completely figured out what it meant.

All these things sound great. They make sense and I wanted

so badly to be able to do it, 

but HOW?

I know I have told you I have taken a meditation class.

I take Kundalini yoga, which is a highly spiritual form of yoga.

I spend an hour in our chapel each week doing

Eucharistic Adoration.

An hour of complete silence and contemplation of God.

All of these practices have made me more centered and outwardly focused.

Yet I still struggle with the daily concept of letting go

and living my truth

even though I feel like I live now more than ever before.

I  have a long way to go.

To me, letting go comes with fear... 

losing control of what is comfortable and normal for me.

Letting go means I don't have control of the outcome

insert serious palpitations here

So how do I...do you...practice letting go daily

without becoming a wimpy, dreamy passive noodle?

I mean, I know what it feels like physically when  I am trying to control that which I have no real control over.

It feels tight in my chest.

That's also how I know when I am not being truthful with myself, when I am gripped with fear, and when I am sad.

Funny how all those things evoke the same physical response.

I BREATHE.

Sometimes it take a LOT of long slow, deep breaths to breathe 

space back into my chest...but it works.

 Unconscious breathing is something we do all day, and all night.

Even when we sleep.

But to breathe consciously provides a whole

different physical experience.

(Especially needed at this time of year!)

When I start breathing consciously, I

literally feel like I am coming up from being held under water.

I see more clearly.

The brain fog lifts and my mind stills.

I feel peace, I find gratitude, I release resentments

Even if I have to do it over and over again each hour of each day

this is how I am learning to let go, to be true

to come apart (from myself for a moment) and rebuild.

With that weight lifted, I can be better, do better,

step out of my comfort zone 

(my oh so comfortable, warm and cozy, zone)

and be who I am meant to be...

.

One breath at a time.

The Spirit of Small Business

I do have to preface this by saying that I have a small business.

Two, as a matter of fact,very small, at-home businesses.

Nobody will be occupying my front yard in the near future.

I can not be the only one feeling this giant shift in our universe.

The rising up of the people.

The shift in power from big business to business next door.

THIS IS A GOOD THING!

We have learned that big business has one concern...

Big Business.

Correction...Bigger Business.

Although not every one

(many are doing very good things, so I don't take issue with ALL big business).

We have all watched the news these past few years...

we all know what's been going on.

It's pretty ugly...

BUT,

as with almost everything, it has to get ugly,

it has to break down before we can build it back up.

We are venturing into a whole new world.

A world where we stay up to date with our friends on Facebook, we Skype,

we text and we Twitter.

Call it what you want, but we are all communicating.
We are re-connected with long lost friends and relatives.
We are invested in each other's lives...that's not a bad thing!

And everyday people are as interesting as celebrities

(okay, more interesting than celebrities, and yes, I watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians)

Ever wonder why reality shows are so popular? Real people, real lives (sort of)

Never is it more important to our economy, our cities, our neighborhoods

to be supportive of your spirited small business owner.
To support your neighbors and your friends.

Why are they doing what they do? 

Passion.  Love of Service.  Desire to control their own destiny.

Sure, they want to make a good living.

Who doesn't!

But I would venture to guess that these same people work 100 hour work weeks,

comp a dinner for great customers here and there,
make free deliveries because it is good business, discount their products because the economy is bad,

yet they still donate what they can to community interests,

volunteer, and give back as much as they can to the very people who support them.
All at the expense of their bottom line.
They do it because they know it makes them good neighbors.
Some (many) small business owners work from home (like me)
with no brick and mortar...only a computer and a cell phone.
They are just as important to the local economy, just as involved and offering goods and services while cutting out the middle man.  Business in its purest form, man!


Why WOULDN'T we want to support these people?
Yes, there is upheaval on Wall Street, people are angry with the government,
the tax code is all wrong, prices are going up,
but every day people, aligned with their passion,
are opening and operating their own small businesses.
Their success ensures our success as a country.
Their success ensures jobs...one or two at a time, sometimes, but jobs.
Their success means they are invested in the future of our cities and towns.
They are shopping locally too, because they GET IT!

We can all boost each other up the rungs of the ladder...one rung at a time.
We can also support our fellow small businesses....even if they are our competitors.
You wanna know why? Because business for one is business for all.
We are all part of the big picture.
When I worked for a small downtown clothing store, and a new clothing store opened
down the street, my customers asked all the time
"Ooh...are you worried about the competition?"
NO! 
More competition means more choice,
which brings out more shoppers, gets more attention, gets the wheels turning and invites more
business, more traffic...and on and on!
And if there is one thing I have learned it is that
the good we put out will come back to us tenfold...


If you have a chance this holiday season, and you have a choice,
please think of your local small business owner...
(and don't tell me you don't want to leave your house...no excuses.
Most savvy small businesses have their own websites and many offer online shopping!)
We will all be thankful!

Sweet Poison

I am quitting sugar.

(Stay with me people...this might not be pretty)

Not only am I quitting sugar (Lord, help me), 

but I am doing it during the holidays.

If there was any question before,

we can now be certain I am crazy :)

Last year i was diagnosed with an auto immune thyroid disease

called Hashimoto's Disease.

My immune system thinks my thyroid hormones are 

enemies and is out to destroy them.

After a diagnosis with Acute Thyroiditis 11 years ago

I enjoyed 10 years of eating whatever I wanted and not gaining an ounce. I actually lost weight.

Not gonna lie...it was awesome.

(except for the occasional racing heart or sleepless night)

But all good things come to an end.

Acquiring Hashimoto's is not uncommon once you have

had an overactive thyroid.

After a lot of research on diet, and trying synthetic thyroid medication 

( which did NOT agree with me),

I became gluten-free last January.

(yes, me, who loved my carbs, gave up bread, cakes, and anything that contained wheat, barley, rye or spelt...a LOT of things).

The gluten molecule so closely resembles the thyroid moleule 

that it sends the anti-bodies into overdrive and kills thethyroid sooner.

But back to sugar...

Since going gluten-free, I have compensated for my loss 

of all things flour, with cheese,

and sugar.

Only to do more research and discover that sugar is equally as

detrimental to auto-immune sufferers as gluten.

Why?

Sugar causes inflammation (something that auto-immune sufferers have to fight all the time)

Not only that,

"Sugar, table sugar, is 50:50 glucose and fructose, and it's the fructose that's the major worry (although glucose isn't entirely guilt free). Specifically, it's the unique way our body processes fructose. Unlike glucose, fructose is not released into our bloodstream to be used up by our cells for energy. It heads straight to our liver, the ONLY organ in our body that can process it. Here it undergoes a complex metabolism that, in short, ends in the release of triglycerides (fatty acids) into our liver. Bluntly, it's converted into fat. Very quickly. Fatty liver is what induces insulin resistance (IR), the underlying cause of type 2 diabetes and heart disease." 

Maria Hannaford econest.blogspot.com

There is a lot more research and I won't bore you with it, but it was enough to convince me to give sugar the boot.

I will keep you posted on the progress.

Yesterday was day one, and judging from the monumental headache I had all day,

I am pretty addicted.

(Great.)

The only good news...sugar makes you fat, because it signals the liver to produce cholesterol and fat.  Guess what DOESN'T make you fat when you give up sugar...

Fat! As in butter, cream, meats, etc.

That stuff keeps your cells supple and healthy

(Given you don't make it the only thing in your diet and you eat lots of veggies, too).

Stay tuned!

THANKFUL

The irony is...

When I used to have more, 

I was afraid I would never have enough.

Now that I have less,

I am thankful for the amazing blessings I have.

Funny how life works that way.

I am reminded that one of the greatest blessings in life

is that with pain

we learn to appreciate joy.

With loss,

we learn to love what is here.

With mistakes,

we learn the blessing of second chances.

When we feel most alone,

we learn to trust our Spirit.

I used to look at the world with great sadness for the

turmoil, hate and greed

that seems as if it is everywhere.

It never made sense to me that a loving God 

would allow cancer, death, financial hardship,

genocide...

But now I see that without the tragedies

of our world,

we wouldn't appreciate the beauty.

Without sadness and grief, we wouldn't appreciate

happiness and love.

As we gather with our families this week,

undoubtedly there will be resentments,

annoyances, hurt feelings and

old roles that we play.

But, remember,

because of that, we will appreciate more, the

laughter, the hugs, the heart-to-hearts

and the sweetness of being together

as family.

Happy Thanksgiving all...be grateful.

The Mirror Has Two Faces

I had a wonderful lesson in friendship this weekend

Often, I feel like everything tells us girls that our women friends

need to constantly lift us up, make us feel good about ourselves,

boost our egos and listen to our drama without judgement.

That does make a pretty good friend, I must say

But

what about the friend who helps you look in the mirror

to see your face from her point of view.

The one who keeps you honest, even when you aren't being honest with yourself.

The one who calls you on your crap, let's you know you arent' really fooling anyone

with your facade, and who isn't going to let you 

keep lying to yourself.

I can see what you are thinking

eeeck! toxic friend!

And, yes, some of them are.

But what would you think if I told you that a true soulmate

isn't the person who you always groove with,

the one where everything is in sync and you finish each other's thoughts.

What if I told you that your  REAL soulmate

is put in your path to show you the lessons you need to learn in this lifetime.

The person who is strong where you are weak, and weak where you are strong.

The one who you disagree with hurt each others feelings, even if it 

wasn't intentional.

What if that true soulmate, or friend

sometime made you a little bit crazy.

WE 

are all each other's teachers

Makes you think a little bit differently about your reltationships

doesn't it.

What if tomorrow,

you looked at your more difficult relationships

(not abusive, mind you...in that case run fast in the opposite direction)

and you saw those people as teacher's

that God has intentionally put on your path

so you could learn your life's lessons.

So you could see your other reflection in the mirror

It's Not You...It's Me

I was somewhat publicly "dissed" on Facebook recently.

It felt like Junior High all over again...

you know, that instant reaction where you feel it right between your gut and your heart.

The one that makes you want to shrink into a little hole of darkness and not 

come out for, say, a year.

I hate that feeling...

Thank goodness we didn't have Facebook and Twitter and text messaging when I was going through school.

It's hard enough to help a 13 year old navigate it.

And the thing is...the person who did it is not entirely wrong.

I kinda get where they were coming from.

Doesn't make it hurt any less...

So the question for me was...how to react?

I was hurt...that kind of hurt that feels like embarrassment and  shame.

And shame is the worst of all of the feelings, in my opinion.

I was pissed...that kind of mad when you want to say

"You got a problem with me, talk to me about it 

(or at least private message me on Facebook, don't do the transparent passive-aggressive public post)"

Say something or let it go...that is the question.

Obviously, I am not letting it go because I am writing about it...

however, my caveat is that I am writing about letting go, 

so maybe you can give me  half-credit.

In all of my meditation  and spiritual work over the past  few years

I have studied, read, prayed and meditated on letting go...

letting go of fears, letting go of resentments, letting go of all the rocks I have been carrying 

around in my backpack that have weighed me down for a long, long time,

and that weren't really mine to carry in the first place...

(special thanks to my sister for giving me that gem of a mental picture...I use it all the time)

I'm doing pretty well, thank you very much!

But as life goes...just when you think you have it figured out,

the universe likes to give you a little "test"

You think you've let go...okay let's just see...

Zing! Ouch!!!!

Can I control what someone else says? Nope.

Can I control what they do? Nope.

(which really bites when you are a parent!).

Are they wrong? Not necessarily and it's a matter of opinion...

Can I control how I react? BINGO!

Crap, this is hard!

So, my reaction is this...

It's really none of my business.

Even though there is a part of me that would love to send back a snarky remark,

or get all jacked up and speak my peace (which wouldn't really be very peaceful)

...what would that really accomplish?

Would I feel better? Maybe for a minute or two, I'm not gonna lie...but it wouldn't last.

And I have learned that getting defensive doesn't suit me very well.

Plus it causes frown lines and wrinkles and even though I have stuff for that,

no need to encourage them. :)

It's none of my business how someone else feels,

unless I have purposely done something to make them feel bad.

It's none of my business what someone else does, 

or who agrees with them, 

What is my business is how I choose to respond,

and how I choose to treat my fellow man.

In this case, it IS all about me.

I have decided to adopt a little something that my daughter wrote

yesterday as she was making anti-bullying posters for her homeroom project.

She's been dealing with some of her own drama 

typical middle school girls stuff, made worse by the invention of 

text messaging, and still she gets it better than I do!

"Words can hurt or words can heal. What did your words do today?"

Kids are smarter than we are sometimes, aren't they...

My healing words today?

Heal some people with your words today, friends...

it's the only way to live.