No Man's Land

I am blessed with incredible relationships with many different types of women.

I learn something from each of them and they make me a better person.

I like my fellow females.
I think we are a pretty awesome species, 

so it is with great curiosity and bewilderment that I look at how some women treat each other.

We are far from the days of the "I am woman hear me roar"

(thank God!)

We don't have to prove to men anymore that we are equal or worthy.

The fight is essentially over with them.
I know, I know...some don't think it is.
Some think we will never have "equality"

I think were never meant to have to fight to be equal or worthy in the first place.

We don't need to...we are different.
Why would we want to be like men when we can be awesome at being
women?

What I can't figure out, though,  is why so many women have turned the fight onto ourselves.

I have absolutely no time for bitchy Housewives of Orange County

(let alone of Story County)

who backstab and catfight their way to notoriety.
Who dislike each other, and play games and create drama
just to get attention.
I don't even have time for petty jealousies and back-handed compliments.

WHY do we do this?

Why be snarky and witchy and rude?

Why assume other women are trying to out do us

Why try to outdo them?

It is not a contest.

We don't get an award for the

Best Performance in a Real Life Drama

(although, there are some who could be good contenders!)

You know what we get for trying to live this facade?

We eventually get actual real life.
In-our-face real life that is not so pretty to look at.

One day the mask will come off and there will be no facade left.

There won't be any more scripts to read.

It will just be...
you.

I am lucky. Really lucky.

I have surrounded myself with supportive, honest, good women.

Women who don't care if they walk into my house and see a dust bunny the size of a baby bunny in the corner.

The kind who don't judge me for being human,

sad, cranky or forgetful.
Who lift me up when I am at my lowest, and who are honest with me when I need to hear the truth.
Real sisters in arms.

We are a sorority whether we like the term or not.

Our sisterhood bond is our double X chromosome.

Why not make a pact.

A pact that we lift each other up whenever we have the chance.

A pact where we don't assume motives, or masquerades.

A pact where perfection is the enemy,

and realness is the initiation.

Where authenticity equals beauty and compassion is the rule.

I really and truly believe we as women will find more power in compassion and love,
in grace and gratitude,
than we would ever find in clawing and fighting our way up, and trying to prove that we are better.
Our softness is our strength.

Yes, we know there will always be the ones who don't want to play by the rules.
The ones who feign all sweetness and light, but who are just looking for the in to stir up a little dirt.

We don't have to invite them  into the sandbox because we know they will make fun of our toys 

and stomp all over our sandcastles,

 but we can wave and say hello as they pass

and go back to playing our game when they leave.

We don't even have to talk about them after they walk away. 

No really, we don't!

Now wouldn't that be refreshing?

It IS a new world.
What we see on every reality show is not how it has to be.
We don't have to talk about other mothers in the after-school car line,
"unfriend" someone who is on the other side of the political fence than us
(I mean really!)
We don't even have to pity the neighbor who is getting the nasty divorce.

What we should be doing is reaching out and inviting them into the fold.
Letting them know that as fellow women,
we have their back.

It is with sincere gratitude that I can say I have friends like this.
I hope you do too.
I hope one day we are the norm.
I know it would absolutely demolish the reality TV industry,
but I am willing to sacrifice my Kardashian addiction
for something a lot more real...

Women who rejoice when other women let their lights shine.
Women who celebrate each other's strengths, laugh and cry with each other,
and who lock arms
and help each other usher in this brave new world.

Rock on sister!

Growing Pains

I started reading a book recently about mindset.

I am only halfway through and I feel like all ready it has changed how I think of life, parenting, my children,

and my business.

It's called "Mindset: the New Psychology of Success" by Carol Dweck.

If you have a chance, pick it up, download it to your Kindle...just read it.

I am the master of my own demise quite often.

I do a damn good job of standing in my own way and convincing myself that I am destined to stay where I am at.

When the going gets tough, I sit down. 

(Literally, I sat down on in the middle of a ski run once, took off my skis and walked down the mountain)

When faced with a challenge, a big rock in my path, 

I have been known to turn around and go back the way I came,

telling myself I was never meant to get beyond it.

It must have been put there for a reason.

There is big payoff to this way of thinking.

I am never wrong.

I don't have to struggle against that boulder and try to push it out of my way.

I know it won't budge, so what is the point?

I get to stay smack dab in the middle of my comfort zone.

I like it there.

It's well...comfortable.

The problem is, by being this person,

This person who is never wrong, mind you,

I was also never growing.

The struggles in life, the boulders in our path,

are meant to teach us.

A one year old learning to walk doesn't lie down and give up when he can't quite get the concept?

He doesn't resign himself to being carried around the rest of his life.

It doesn't even occur to him.

He keeps trying, and falling, and getting back up and trying again.

He FAILS over and over until one day he gets it.

He walks.

It's in the failing and the falling down that he learns to succeed.

As a parent, it is so hard to see our kids struggle.

We do things to shelter them from the strains and pains in life.

We email their teachers when an assignment it too hard, or we help them with their homework

when they are frustrated and they just don't get it.

Maybe we are actually crippling them instead.

We let them say they aren't good at something, and praise their natural talents

when maybe we should be doing the opposite...

Encouraging them when they work and persevere at the hard stuff,

and tell them to be grateful for their natural gifts, but not complacent because of them.

Instead of glowing about their A's and B's in the classes that are easy,

maybe we should really shower them with praise for the B- they got in the class they worked really, really hard at.

They probably learned more in that one anyway.

I am a slow learner.

I have spent many years looking at the face of the boulders in my path.

It is only now, at 44, that I figured out

that while pushing that big ole rock out of my way may be impossible...

nobody says I can't start climbing over  it.

I have weak arms...its not going to be easy,

but slowly and steadily, if I reach and stretch myself

pull my weight up and look past the calluses that have formed

on my fingers and my heart,

even if I slip and fall back a little...

I WILL get to the other side.

It's a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.

Stay where you are or use the hardships to your benefit.

Learn from them. Use them as stepping stones.

Trust the struggle.

Work through the pain.

Reap the rewards.

( I know, I know, you have heard this before. It sounds good on paper, but really are you going to do it?

Maybe not. Definitely not if you don't change your mindset. Change your MIND and change your LIFE.

It's that simple. Now go do it.)

To Nag or Not To Nag

My husband kindly reminded me this morning,

that in all the changing I have been trying to do,

nagging, apparently, did not make the list.

My two darling children,

oh, how I love them so,

have a belief about time that does not exactly jive with mine.

They seem to think time will stretch to accommodate their

their desire to move at an inchworm's pace

in the morning.

And it seems, the more I urge (nag)

the slower they move.

SO 

my dilemma is this.

How to be the person I want to be...

calm, measured, peaceful, loving

oh yes, and happy to be of service,

but also get their butts to school on time?

Preferably with smiles on their faces.

You see, while I do want to practice all the virtues I named above,

I have no desire to be a pushover.

My solution this morning 

was to ground them from hanging with their friends this weekend,

which prompted a rebuttal from my daughter worthy of

Perry Mason.

 She really should consider a career in law.

And while I am totally cool with taking away privileges when

my kids don't do what is expected,

and I wear the title of Meanest Mother in the World

quite proudly,

I know there has to be a better way.

I think it comes down to making them more responsible 

for themselves.

When they rely on me to wake them up and get them out the door, they only have one person (in their minds)

to blame if they are late...me.

Plus, they know that being late gives me the hives.

(In college, if I was running late, I wouldn't even go to the class at all...better to skip it altogether than to walk in five minutes late...great theory, huh!)

I never said I was a master of logic!

I think it is time to turn the tables a little.

Time for some alarm clocks and personal responsibility.

My daughter says she doesn't need to worry about that until college.

I am thinking middle school is a bit of a late start.

One thing is for sure...

the next week in our house may not be pretty,

but hopefully the pain of the means is worth the end.

So...no great words of wisdom today

(as if I ever really have any)

If anyone has something that has worked for them, I am all ears!!

I really do hate being a nag,

even though I have quite a natural talent for it.

At least the dog thinks I am awesome,

but then again, she's ALWAYS ready to get in the car

when its time to go.

:)

At Your Service

At the end of my yoga class today,

our brilliant teacher (Hi Em!) lead us in a guided meditation and did a 

reading about service.

Yes, service...

Our mission on this earth is to be of service to others.

Totally flies in the face of everything our society promotes.

It's every man for himself in this economy, and that is exactly why

it is so important to change our paradigms.

As I listened to the words she recited, I realized how selfish I have been

in my personal endeavors 

both in career and at home, I have not been'service minded.

Sure...I do plenty for others.

I am the mother of two middle schoolers 

who appear to enjoy being waited upon.

A lot.

I do a lot of serving...

dinner, folded clothes, rides to friend's houses,

advice, nagging...you name it, I can serve it.

Good thing I waited tables in college...I got a lot of practice.

My being of service is not the issue.

My attitude, however, is.

I do a lot of this begrudgingly.

I HATE to put clean clothes away and unload the dishwasher,

so every time I do it I have a conversation in my head

with the nice lady who lives there (read martyr).

She always agrees with me that I am completely under appreciated.

I like her.

My work over the past year, involves a lot of customer service.

There is no question that I understand  customer service is the key

to a thriving business.

But I have to be honest that I don't love some of the

administrative "duties" that go along with that customer service.

I have been focused on results, thinking about MY goals, MY paycheck,

MY future.

Doing those "customer service" duties, at times, has been a means to an end.

It's smart business, but a bad way to live.

The epiphany today

was that our purpose is not just about serving others,

it is about providing that service with grace and gratitude.

Think how your outlook would change if you viewed folding the laundry

with a mindset that you are providing love to your family with every fold.

Can you really imagine doing your work, for even an hour, without thinking of

what you are going to get out of it...money, a promotion,

 keeping your job.

Just doing what you can for others...customers and colleagues...because you can.

Be honest...you're laughing right now.

Clearly you think I should just go join an ashram and say "Om" all day.

I know you do!

But stay with me kids...I have a point.

Your service to others is your gift.

Being selfless is only really selfless if you give to others with no 

expectation of anything in return.

Turn your focus outward and everything in your life will change...for the better.
It won't be easy.
I am so programmed to dial up my little friend in my head as I go about my daily
routine, that she will surely feel neglected when I don't call on her.
She can be kind of righteous, and she is such a Negative Nellie, that
maybe a few days without her commiserating will be good.

I am going to have to cut her loose.
Learn how to enjoy the acts of love I am giving my family and my business.
Focus on what I can do for others.
Because I have a sneaking suspicion that when I do
I will find contentment, joy and peace.
And I will probably find rewards far greater than I could ever imagine.

You see, the gift of service is one you give yourself.
Crazy, isn't it.