Here I sit...6:13am on aSunday morning...trying fo figure out what to do with the life that I have lived for 42 years. Its a good life. Great husband, wonderful kids, adorable dog... not too much to complain about, other than that I am too busy. But...who ISN'T too busy.
It has only taken me this long to understand that some people thrive on busy. Many people thrive on busy. I am not one of them. I really have no desire to be uber mother and woman-of-the year. Why, then, do I feel guilty that I am not? Seriously...am I missing something here? Or, just maybe...I really am a little crazy (which I suspect half the time!) Maybe it is just like junior high all over...that feeling that you are not quite good enough to be cool...there is some element of coolness you were born without and surely your parents are to blame.
It's just that I can't seem to get this big rock off my chest...the one that keeps me pinned to the belief that I should be doing something more. The one that holds me just under the surface of the water and keeps me from taking the big gulp of fresh air.
My heart knows that this is not the life I have envisioned for myself, but my head seems to win the debate when it somes to a vote. See...medication may be called for here!
So...my resolution for 2010...(it would be a first)...letting go of the guilt that I should be something I am not. Embracing who I am and dumping the 300 pound rock of shame that I lug around day after day after day. For me it will mean a discipline (yikes!...) of slowing down and meditating (thank you Wayne Dyer). It will mean really letting go of anything that doesn't serve me well. It will mean taking care of me so I can take care of my family better. It will mean breathing...really breathing.
I so admire the women I read about who have have unabashedly created a life that serves them well. They are fulfilled. We all should be...there really is no excuse not to be...
