It's a Dangerous Neighborhood

My mind, that is.

Is a dangerous place.

It can get a little scary when I go in there alone.

Many of you know I work in the direct sales industry.

I am an absolute believer in the industry...the business model,

the opportunity for anyone to be successful if they want,

the grassroots way it exchanges products and services is 

the most organic way to doing business I can think of.

I am in...hook, line and sinker.

But...

doing direct sales, or any entrepreneurial venture, for that matter,

has a way of exposing that part of ourselves

that lurks in dark alleys of the neighborhoods of our minds and waits to

 pounce on our self esteem when we least expect it.

I have always been a master of getting in my own way.

If there were a class in it, I could teach it.

I would have emeritus status on the faculty.

I have the potential, I have brains and I have a personality

(at least I think I do...if not, it is time for someone to come clean)

Most of the ingredients I need to mix up a perfect little batch of achievement.

Many an opportunity has come my way in the past twenty years.

People thought I had exactly what it took to make it a go.

Sometimes I even started strong.

But it never failed, that at some point, I would start to make the journey.

Back into the old  neighborhood.

Walking in there alone, with all those demons and doubts.

And I almost never came out the same.

 I knew the monsters were there...waiting...patiently, waiting to pounce.

Even if they didn't jump out to get me, the simple knowing that they could

was enough to make me run.

And sure enough...another potential success story

was history.

When I started my most recent venture, I knew things had to be different.

I knew that this particular opportunity was a once in a lifetime one,

and I was sitting on something that COULD be really special.

Something that could change my family's future forever.

I had all the drive...I had to make this work.

The only excuse I would have for failure was ME if this thing didn't fly.

So...what to do?

I had to make the trip back home to the old neighborhood.

Its  hard to  keep constant company on my walk through the back roads.

Ty learned a long time ago that a trip through my head could be a Titanic-type adventure.

He steers clear, poor guy!

Would I let those lurking fears derail me again?

I have become fascinated the power of the mind and our mindset.

I have gobbled up books about the subject...both spiritual and practical books.

I knew that changing my mindset in order to succeed meant I would have to get out of my comfort zone, and essentially out of my own way.

Holy crap...I was shaking in my brown leather riding boots.

( I DO love clothes, you know...could there be any other way of putting that?)

However...I also truly believe that to succeed, I need to be authentic.

I need to be ME.

So...the $24,000 question...how to get out of my comfort zone AND still be myself?

I had always assumed the two were mutually exclusive.

 If I got OUT of my comfort zone, I couldn't be me...

But to be me is where I am comfortable, so I would have to be someone else

in order to leave it.

And that is uncomfortable.

Told you...

A person could lose their mind in my head :)

And then I had a realization.

An epiphany almost.

Getting OUT of my comfort zone...my neighborhood,

isn't about becoming someone else.

It isn't about being inauthentic and putting on a disguise in order to fool the demons.

It is about ALLOWING myself to be the best part of me.

Allowing the real me to come through, in spite of all those lurking doubts.

Walking by the dark alleys.

Sometimes even looking in, but continuing on my path.

Knowing that they can lurk,

but they only can jump out at me if I let them.

When I ALLOW , I am one with the flow of the universe.

(very New Age sounding, I know, but I do believe it)

Our purpose in this life is to be ourselves...and only ourselves.

The best part of ourselves.

And how does that relate to my business?

Or to whatever is holding you back from YOUR best life?

It doesn't really matter WHAT we do.

Or if we do anything at all.

What matters is how we walk through our own neighborhoods.

Yep...my sweet little direct sales business

has forced me to learn one of the most profound lessons of my adult life.

Getting out of your comfort zone is frightening.

Sometimes paralyzing.

But it doesn't mean abandoning who you are,

it means letting yourself become really comfortable with the 

best part of yourself.

It means believing that that part of yourself

is a luxury gated-community with 24-hour security and an infinity pool

of knowledge.

That's where I have decided to live from now on.

Out of the old neighborhood, and onto a better one.

Light in the Darkness

Just this once,

let's assume our friends and acquaintances do not have motives.

Let's assume that our loved ones are doing the best they can.

And let's assume that we have no real idea of what is going on in their lives.

In their homes and in their heads.

Before we jump to conclusions about why they said what they said,

or did what they did,

let's stop.

Stop assuming, stop blaming.

Stop getting "offended"

(don't get me started on how much I hate that word)

By God, stop calling each other and telling each other off.

It's madness...and it doesn't help anyone.

Let's maybe start having a little compassion for the struggles

others might be going through that we know nothing about.

A little empathy for their insecurities and their fears that may be

causing them to act the way they are.

A little love for the parts of themselves they seem to hate.

As I have said so many times...usually those things

that irk us about someone else...

the things that make us a little bit crazy,

or really tick us off.

Those are the things we need to take a long, hard look in the the mirror at ourselves about.

Because they aren't about our friends.

They are about us.

Where WE are insecure.

What WE fear.

And WE know we are just doing the best WE can to get through each day too.

WE would love a little compassion and understanding about our weaknesses and our self-loathing.

So...

given the chance today,

will you spread some light for someone in the same pain you are in

or will you leave them in the dark room of their soul.

My favorite prayer from St. Francis of Assisi has these lines...

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned...

How I wish I lived this every day and in every situation, but I don't.

Ask my children! 

I am trying. I am only human.

We're doing the best we can.

I just try to make my best today, better than yesterday.

God Bless...

Notes to My 20 Year Old Self

Recently I saw a You Tube video about a girl

talking to he 16 year old self about tanning and skin cancer.

For some reason it keeps creeping into my mind.

Not the skin cancer thing,

rather, what I would say if I could talk to myself at a younger age.

I decided that 20 was a much good age to start...I might get a thing or two.

At 16 I was only worried about my friends, my hair

and what I would wear to school the next day.

And passing my driver's exam.

At 20, I could have used this advice.

I probably would not have listened.

Maybe life experience is given to us in small doses for a reason.

We're really not supposed to get it all at once.

And we all have to go through some crap to get to where we are supposed to go.

BUT...

if that 20 year old (who thinks she knows it all all ready)  were to listen, this is what I would tell her...

1. There is a spirit and soul inside of you that is all ready perfect. Stop beating yourself up for not being who or what other people think you should be. You will save a lot of time...and therapy.

2. Do what you LOVE...the rest will follow. No matter what anyone else says. Even if it is in small doses until it can support you, just do it. No compromising. No apologizing. You will thank yourself someday.

3. Facing your fears, no matter how big or little they are, is the single hardest thing you will ever do, and the one thing that will make you more successful than you ever could have dreamed...in love, in life and in your career. 

4. Your biography IS your biology. Every emotion you stuff, every resentment you hold onto, every time you let someone walk over you and you neglect to stand up for yourself. Every time you lack integrity and all of  the  shame that you hide WILL come out somewhere. Usually in the form of illness someday. 

RELEASING IS HEALING IN ADVANCE.

5. Prince Charming isn't coming. He isn't riding up on a white horse to sweep you off to the castle spa.

Learn to support yourself, respect yourself and honor yourself before you let someone be your partner.

Find someone who has done the same. Marriage won't be easy, but they will be a lot harder if you are afraid all the time. 

6. Every mistake you have made, every painful thing that has happened to you, every scar, every tear, every bad boyfriend and toxic friend is not bad luck or bad timing.  You are not your failures. 

Your failures have been powerful lessons. They are gifts if you let them be. They will make you who you  were meant to be.

7. Gratitude is the ONLY way to live. Be grateful for your family, even if it is messed up. Be grateful for your friends even when they let you down. Be as grateful for messes and your are for miracles. Be grateful for your blessings and your banes...everything has a purpose. That purpose is God's lesson for you. 

8. The sooner you learn to like who you are, the sooner you will be happy.  You're stuck with you.  Might as well enjoy the ride together.

9. People will disappoint you, fail you, not live up to your expectations and wishes. They will hurt you,

make you mad, make you crazy.  They are doing the best they can with where they are.  

AND

usually, what pisses you off so much about them, isn't really about them anyway...

it's about you.

Think on that...

10. And last, but certainly far from least...please, please, please know that you all ready have it inside of you. Everything you need is all ready there. God is there. Stop beating yourself up, start quieting your mind, and let the answers bubble to the surface. They will if you trust. 

That perfect soul of yours is waiting for you to let it out. 

All you have to do is open the door.

Oh, what I would have given to get these things at 20, or 30, or even 40.

Even now, I think I am starting to learn a thing or two about life, and surely I will forget most of these things from time to time.

We ARE only human.

I wish we didn't make it so complicated when it is really so easy.

But then again, our human existence is all about learning.

If we aren't learning, we aren't growing.

If we aren't growing, we are dead.

So to that 20 year old I say...

You probably won't listen, and most likely you will have to learn all these things for yourself.

It might take a few years or it might take a lifetime.

Either way, that is exactly how it is supposed to be.

No Man's Land

I am blessed with incredible relationships with many different types of women.

I learn something from each of them and they make me a better person.

I like my fellow females.
I think we are a pretty awesome species, 

so it is with great curiosity and bewilderment that I look at how some women treat each other.

We are far from the days of the "I am woman hear me roar"

(thank God!)

We don't have to prove to men anymore that we are equal or worthy.

The fight is essentially over with them.
I know, I know...some don't think it is.
Some think we will never have "equality"

I think were never meant to have to fight to be equal or worthy in the first place.

We don't need to...we are different.
Why would we want to be like men when we can be awesome at being
women?

What I can't figure out, though,  is why so many women have turned the fight onto ourselves.

I have absolutely no time for bitchy Housewives of Orange County

(let alone of Story County)

who backstab and catfight their way to notoriety.
Who dislike each other, and play games and create drama
just to get attention.
I don't even have time for petty jealousies and back-handed compliments.

WHY do we do this?

Why be snarky and witchy and rude?

Why assume other women are trying to out do us

Why try to outdo them?

It is not a contest.

We don't get an award for the

Best Performance in a Real Life Drama

(although, there are some who could be good contenders!)

You know what we get for trying to live this facade?

We eventually get actual real life.
In-our-face real life that is not so pretty to look at.

One day the mask will come off and there will be no facade left.

There won't be any more scripts to read.

It will just be...
you.

I am lucky. Really lucky.

I have surrounded myself with supportive, honest, good women.

Women who don't care if they walk into my house and see a dust bunny the size of a baby bunny in the corner.

The kind who don't judge me for being human,

sad, cranky or forgetful.
Who lift me up when I am at my lowest, and who are honest with me when I need to hear the truth.
Real sisters in arms.

We are a sorority whether we like the term or not.

Our sisterhood bond is our double X chromosome.

Why not make a pact.

A pact that we lift each other up whenever we have the chance.

A pact where we don't assume motives, or masquerades.

A pact where perfection is the enemy,

and realness is the initiation.

Where authenticity equals beauty and compassion is the rule.

I really and truly believe we as women will find more power in compassion and love,
in grace and gratitude,
than we would ever find in clawing and fighting our way up, and trying to prove that we are better.
Our softness is our strength.

Yes, we know there will always be the ones who don't want to play by the rules.
The ones who feign all sweetness and light, but who are just looking for the in to stir up a little dirt.

We don't have to invite them  into the sandbox because we know they will make fun of our toys 

and stomp all over our sandcastles,

 but we can wave and say hello as they pass

and go back to playing our game when they leave.

We don't even have to talk about them after they walk away. 

No really, we don't!

Now wouldn't that be refreshing?

It IS a new world.
What we see on every reality show is not how it has to be.
We don't have to talk about other mothers in the after-school car line,
"unfriend" someone who is on the other side of the political fence than us
(I mean really!)
We don't even have to pity the neighbor who is getting the nasty divorce.

What we should be doing is reaching out and inviting them into the fold.
Letting them know that as fellow women,
we have their back.

It is with sincere gratitude that I can say I have friends like this.
I hope you do too.
I hope one day we are the norm.
I know it would absolutely demolish the reality TV industry,
but I am willing to sacrifice my Kardashian addiction
for something a lot more real...

Women who rejoice when other women let their lights shine.
Women who celebrate each other's strengths, laugh and cry with each other,
and who lock arms
and help each other usher in this brave new world.

Rock on sister!

Growing Pains

I started reading a book recently about mindset.

I am only halfway through and I feel like all ready it has changed how I think of life, parenting, my children,

and my business.

It's called "Mindset: the New Psychology of Success" by Carol Dweck.

If you have a chance, pick it up, download it to your Kindle...just read it.

I am the master of my own demise quite often.

I do a damn good job of standing in my own way and convincing myself that I am destined to stay where I am at.

When the going gets tough, I sit down. 

(Literally, I sat down on in the middle of a ski run once, took off my skis and walked down the mountain)

When faced with a challenge, a big rock in my path, 

I have been known to turn around and go back the way I came,

telling myself I was never meant to get beyond it.

It must have been put there for a reason.

There is big payoff to this way of thinking.

I am never wrong.

I don't have to struggle against that boulder and try to push it out of my way.

I know it won't budge, so what is the point?

I get to stay smack dab in the middle of my comfort zone.

I like it there.

It's well...comfortable.

The problem is, by being this person,

This person who is never wrong, mind you,

I was also never growing.

The struggles in life, the boulders in our path,

are meant to teach us.

A one year old learning to walk doesn't lie down and give up when he can't quite get the concept?

He doesn't resign himself to being carried around the rest of his life.

It doesn't even occur to him.

He keeps trying, and falling, and getting back up and trying again.

He FAILS over and over until one day he gets it.

He walks.

It's in the failing and the falling down that he learns to succeed.

As a parent, it is so hard to see our kids struggle.

We do things to shelter them from the strains and pains in life.

We email their teachers when an assignment it too hard, or we help them with their homework

when they are frustrated and they just don't get it.

Maybe we are actually crippling them instead.

We let them say they aren't good at something, and praise their natural talents

when maybe we should be doing the opposite...

Encouraging them when they work and persevere at the hard stuff,

and tell them to be grateful for their natural gifts, but not complacent because of them.

Instead of glowing about their A's and B's in the classes that are easy,

maybe we should really shower them with praise for the B- they got in the class they worked really, really hard at.

They probably learned more in that one anyway.

I am a slow learner.

I have spent many years looking at the face of the boulders in my path.

It is only now, at 44, that I figured out

that while pushing that big ole rock out of my way may be impossible...

nobody says I can't start climbing over  it.

I have weak arms...its not going to be easy,

but slowly and steadily, if I reach and stretch myself

pull my weight up and look past the calluses that have formed

on my fingers and my heart,

even if I slip and fall back a little...

I WILL get to the other side.

It's a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.

Stay where you are or use the hardships to your benefit.

Learn from them. Use them as stepping stones.

Trust the struggle.

Work through the pain.

Reap the rewards.

( I know, I know, you have heard this before. It sounds good on paper, but really are you going to do it?

Maybe not. Definitely not if you don't change your mindset. Change your MIND and change your LIFE.

It's that simple. Now go do it.)

To Nag or Not To Nag

My husband kindly reminded me this morning,

that in all the changing I have been trying to do,

nagging, apparently, did not make the list.

My two darling children,

oh, how I love them so,

have a belief about time that does not exactly jive with mine.

They seem to think time will stretch to accommodate their

their desire to move at an inchworm's pace

in the morning.

And it seems, the more I urge (nag)

the slower they move.

SO 

my dilemma is this.

How to be the person I want to be...

calm, measured, peaceful, loving

oh yes, and happy to be of service,

but also get their butts to school on time?

Preferably with smiles on their faces.

You see, while I do want to practice all the virtues I named above,

I have no desire to be a pushover.

My solution this morning 

was to ground them from hanging with their friends this weekend,

which prompted a rebuttal from my daughter worthy of

Perry Mason.

 She really should consider a career in law.

And while I am totally cool with taking away privileges when

my kids don't do what is expected,

and I wear the title of Meanest Mother in the World

quite proudly,

I know there has to be a better way.

I think it comes down to making them more responsible 

for themselves.

When they rely on me to wake them up and get them out the door, they only have one person (in their minds)

to blame if they are late...me.

Plus, they know that being late gives me the hives.

(In college, if I was running late, I wouldn't even go to the class at all...better to skip it altogether than to walk in five minutes late...great theory, huh!)

I never said I was a master of logic!

I think it is time to turn the tables a little.

Time for some alarm clocks and personal responsibility.

My daughter says she doesn't need to worry about that until college.

I am thinking middle school is a bit of a late start.

One thing is for sure...

the next week in our house may not be pretty,

but hopefully the pain of the means is worth the end.

So...no great words of wisdom today

(as if I ever really have any)

If anyone has something that has worked for them, I am all ears!!

I really do hate being a nag,

even though I have quite a natural talent for it.

At least the dog thinks I am awesome,

but then again, she's ALWAYS ready to get in the car

when its time to go.

:)

At Your Service

At the end of my yoga class today,

our brilliant teacher (Hi Em!) lead us in a guided meditation and did a 

reading about service.

Yes, service...

Our mission on this earth is to be of service to others.

Totally flies in the face of everything our society promotes.

It's every man for himself in this economy, and that is exactly why

it is so important to change our paradigms.

As I listened to the words she recited, I realized how selfish I have been

in my personal endeavors 

both in career and at home, I have not been'service minded.

Sure...I do plenty for others.

I am the mother of two middle schoolers 

who appear to enjoy being waited upon.

A lot.

I do a lot of serving...

dinner, folded clothes, rides to friend's houses,

advice, nagging...you name it, I can serve it.

Good thing I waited tables in college...I got a lot of practice.

My being of service is not the issue.

My attitude, however, is.

I do a lot of this begrudgingly.

I HATE to put clean clothes away and unload the dishwasher,

so every time I do it I have a conversation in my head

with the nice lady who lives there (read martyr).

She always agrees with me that I am completely under appreciated.

I like her.

My work over the past year, involves a lot of customer service.

There is no question that I understand  customer service is the key

to a thriving business.

But I have to be honest that I don't love some of the

administrative "duties" that go along with that customer service.

I have been focused on results, thinking about MY goals, MY paycheck,

MY future.

Doing those "customer service" duties, at times, has been a means to an end.

It's smart business, but a bad way to live.

The epiphany today

was that our purpose is not just about serving others,

it is about providing that service with grace and gratitude.

Think how your outlook would change if you viewed folding the laundry

with a mindset that you are providing love to your family with every fold.

Can you really imagine doing your work, for even an hour, without thinking of

what you are going to get out of it...money, a promotion,

 keeping your job.

Just doing what you can for others...customers and colleagues...because you can.

Be honest...you're laughing right now.

Clearly you think I should just go join an ashram and say "Om" all day.

I know you do!

But stay with me kids...I have a point.

Your service to others is your gift.

Being selfless is only really selfless if you give to others with no 

expectation of anything in return.

Turn your focus outward and everything in your life will change...for the better.
It won't be easy.
I am so programmed to dial up my little friend in my head as I go about my daily
routine, that she will surely feel neglected when I don't call on her.
She can be kind of righteous, and she is such a Negative Nellie, that
maybe a few days without her commiserating will be good.

I am going to have to cut her loose.
Learn how to enjoy the acts of love I am giving my family and my business.
Focus on what I can do for others.
Because I have a sneaking suspicion that when I do
I will find contentment, joy and peace.
And I will probably find rewards far greater than I could ever imagine.

You see, the gift of service is one you give yourself.
Crazy, isn't it.