Mother's Day?

My friends...

I will not be winning any mothering awards this year.

Let's be honest...I was never even in the running.

My children have been annoyed by me, upset with me, and, on more than a few occasions,

have probably hated me.

I have yelled at them. I have cursed behind their backs at them.

(I whisper it to myself so they can't hear, but it's not very nice...half credit?)

I have pretended not to hear them when they call me to get them something.

I have forgotten to make them lunches.

I have opted out of chaperoning field trips, and complained that they are 

ungrateful to my friends.

Nope. No awards for me this year.

But...

I have ached for them when they are hurting.

Sat in rain and spitting snow under fleece and plastic

(not a good look for me) to watch them play sports,

rubbed their backs late at night, and spent more hours waiting in a car for them that I think I spent in college.

I have hugged them when they cried, told them I loved them over and over,

and prayed for them every day.

Not even that is going to get me that award.

That...that is the easy stuff.

What, then, is the hard stuff?

The hard stuff 

is the hundreds of millions of times I have agonized over decisions I was making for them.

Is it right or is it wrong?

Is it selfish or selfless? Character building or character damaging?

Will they thank me someday or thank their therapist?

Every day I have these decisions.

Help them through their frustrating math problem or let them work through it on their own?

Rescue them or let them learn the lesson that comes from consequences?

Love them and reassure them or love them and let them go?

When to hover and when to hold back.

When to be the crutch and when to kick it out from underneath them and let them stumble but eventually walk on their own two feet?

And then...as if that isn't insanity-making enough,

add in worrying about what all the other mothers think about what you are doing.

Or worse, the one's who tell you what you are doing wrong or right.

 That my friends, is the real stuff of parenting.

The stuff that keeps you up at night.

The stuff we've got to ease up a bit on ourselves about.

One of my favorite sayings of late comes from those funny cartoons that are all over Facebook and Pinterest

(yes, my children have also been on my case about my social media addiction FYI)

It says something like,

"I will love you and nurture you, and give you just enough dysfunction to make you funny"

What does it say that both my children have a rather wicked sense of humor?

On this Mother's Day, I will be sitting at a weekend-long soccer tournament

(that I just found out about at 11pm last night...missed an email somewhere.)

I will get no glory.

I will get no thank you's from the coaches for sacrificing the one day a year that is supposed to be all about me.

There will be no tiaras and no band. 

No, I will be sitting on the sidelines of yet another game, watching my son play.

I may have a teensy moment of annoyance because I would rather be planting flowers and reading on the deck.

But then I will get a giant dose of perspective.

This is all a privilege.

All of it, and it is fleeting.

Just sit back and enjoy the game sister.

Let's go easy on ourselves girls...the kids will be okay.

Heck, they will probably be better for it.

Happy Mother's Day

Tornado Warning

Every year I know May is going to 

be a tornado.

I love everything about this month except that part.

I love that school is almost over,

 that feeling of summer anticipation in the air,

going to the little white greenhouse tents to pick out potting flowers, graduation parties and the like.

What I don't love is that it always feels so frenzied.

And for some reason, this year, in the Midwest,

it has been going on since the end of March.

Maybe because of our early spring we all got ahead of ourselves

and instituted the frantic pace unconsciously.

It is about this time that I am longing for sleepy, lazy, summer mornings and relaxed evenings on the deck.

When getting dinner on the table sometime between 6pm and midnight is a perfectly acceptable goal,

and everyone falls into bed at the end of the daywhen they get around to it.

poolside reading, vacation, whatever.

I love those days...

 I wish May came with a watch and warning system

like real tornadoes do.

"It is May 1st. Possibilities of  over-booking, social overload, inability to say no and over-extension for the general population. Stay tuned for warnings and seek shelter in a bathroom or interior room or closet  where no one can find you, should severe activity overload occur...take wine"

With this constant buzz of activity,

I seem to invite an unfriendly visitor...anxiety.

Not sure why. 

Maybe it is that I am always certain I am forgetting something

because there is a LOT to forget this month.

Maybe it is that I know that I am going to have to figure out what to do with my children all summer.

(don't get me wrong...I love having summers with them!)

And I know it will fly by too fast, 

but in the middle of it I won't be able to wait for it to end

and for these kids to have some routine again!

I practice yoga (often), and I meditate (not often enough)

and it helps. It helps a lot.

However, even implementing these wonderful de-stressors

into my routine can cause me a little angst.

I feel guilty for taking the time I could be doing something else.

Even when I try to quiet my mind, tasks pop into my brain 

in rapid succession. 

It seems the only time I seem to "remember" everything I am supposed to be doing, is when I am attempting to empty my mind of all thought.

A frustrating paradox.

And so, a decent blogger would have great words of life-changing wisdom to expel, and after reading this, 

you would undoubtedly feel gratifyingly peaceful and serene.

The rest of this month, and every May hereafter, you would 

float through with detached ease.

Unfortunately for you, you have read the wrong blog.

I'm still looking for the magic.

Until I find it, I will keep on keeping on

with the rest of you.

By the end of the month we all have the same dazed and confused look on our faces,

only to be wiped clean by the look of sheer annoyance

that will appear as soon as these darling  children are out of school for half a day and start whining

that there is nothing to do.

Enjoy!